im bored. so i decided to blog in the middle of the day.

so far nothing's interesting is happening around me, been too lazy to get my butt out of the house. im either using the computer, sleeping or watching tv. maybe a little time of reading a book too. im still looking for a laptop.. but i have not decided on a specific brand yet and im lazy to scout for one.. Zzz..

been getting calls from hq. haha i seem to be the problematic one who has been not attending the meetings activites for the CLT course. well they cant blame me can they? its just their luck that they schedule stuff on impt dates. how dumb can they get. haha. no offense.

bought united new cd. hmm overall i think its on a quieter basis than their previous album.

nothing more to say. end here

so we celebrated ECF Holy Word 50th anniversary today. Happy birthday church. Worship was totally awesome. playing the guitar in a different manner. haha. after which Elder tang shared some history of the church on how it started, how she and my church founders came about setting up a church and abit of herself when she came from China to Singapore. She was the only one who has been with the church for 50 years! Half a century.. whatever changes the church has been through she has experienced it too. Imagine that! Rain or shine she said.. they had never once stop having sunday services.

Its really amzing how God has deliver His church of what it is today. Rev Tan then shared more of our church founders, mainly all from the books our founders wrote. rather interesting.

finally service ended. the band and vocalists took some pictures. It was weird la.. shall post it next time. buffet was up next.

Darn. rev ng just had to "drag" me to baptism lessons. shared my reasons for not wanting to this year but he still wanted me to go through lessons and decide later. then later some of the guys when over to coffeshop and have a drink. while talking, realised the bgr problem and trend of the youths in my church. got nothing to say about it. something must be done though.

Came home soon and sleep. slept till 9 plus which is roughly of the time now. haha. gonna eat now.

psalm 118.

Last day of work and im not paid. And my boss is so kind to run home. i realised im working to pay all my debts. owing ppl money. after much calculation i have less than 20 bucks to spend. patheic eh?

tml is my church's 50th anniversary. Half a century has passed. hah. oh well. more blessings to come.

Zzz last to post more. thts all...

working at the columnbarium offce can be pretty monotonus as time pass by. especially when the office is so old and all they had in it was 2 rundown comptuers that you have to work with it. And the only colleague you have is your tyranny cousin.

Zz working with eda is a nightmare. When she works, she sings. When she sings, i cry. not being mean.. but sometimes she sounds bad! haha. so i brought my earphones and started jamming myself with loud music.

was looking through the data files of the dead.. eerie eh. came upon this page. It belonged to a girl. She only lived for a month. Cause of death wasnt attached to the page. felt sorry for the baby girl and her parents. her parents must have gone through an ordeal for the lost of their child at such a young age.

ok enough sad stuff. after work went heartland mall with eda. we bought a top for Grace as it's her birthday tomorrow. Pretty nice and its cheap. Went home and my mum told me ngee ann sent a package. It's like finally? other people have been receciving stuff from their respective polys and me. opened the package and the first thing i saw was SCHOOL FEES. Great eh. So much forms to fill in and to sum up its messy.they just had to throw us everything in a shot while other poly has been sending their students packages bit by bit.

Made a decision. Im going to 51st CLT course.teachers just had to announce to the cadets and say some stuff to make me feel guilty.. and if i dont go.. im gonna be a huge disappointment. Was actually very unsure if i should go due to some issues.

btw i hate my guitar now. i want and need a new one! no more warp necks please.. sob.

First Day of work's ok i guess. Im working at a columnbarium. If you dont know what it is it's the place where you place dead people ashes. working there doing some admin work. Its at a home. All Saints Home or something. It's a christian home btw/

My grandfather ashes were placed here actually. Went to His niche and visited him. Started looking at the rest of the deceased's niche and read the bible verses on them. almost of them are the same. haha pretty typical.

While looking around, came upon 2 rather unqiue which struck me strongly. Gave a serious deep thought about it.

First it was the niche for a 19 year old girl. This teenager died at such a young age. Life can be so unpredictable. We are all living everyday under God's grace. Its a blessing that we are able to live each and everyday of our lives. While others died at such a young age.

another was the verse "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the Faith" 2 Timothy 4:7. it was carve on a 63 year old man's niche.

When i saw the verse it reminded me of the 19 year old and questions started popping out of my mind. if i were to die tomorrow, did i fought well for Jesus? If i were about to die tomorrow, did i finish the race? will i keep my faith upon my deathbed. i kept pondering it over and over again.

Finally, my answer to those questions is No. My spiritual life has been rather stagnant lately. i have become rather reluctant going to church attend cg lessons. wanted to quit worahip band but i didnt mention it to Xavier yet. Didnt wanted to go for baptisim lessons though Rev Ng asked me to. Not ready for such a major confirmation; joining the church. I just cant do anything. i really cant. Disappointed many people. i dont know how to face them. My temper has been rising. Started getting pissed off easily. my personality has changed.

I just so would like to throw all my burdens away especially the one which my father's salvation is dependant on me. I know why i got into that poly course. i somehow knew it. If i were to be posted to that course i know it was planned. But i tried challenging God. Tried everyway to get out of the course. But in the end im being shot down by Him. There is no other way out. im to go through that.

Im going through highs and being pushed down badly. im really tired of going through these. more to say but my thoughts are rather messed now.

i'll end here.

it has been a year. attended part A camp only this time im slacking all the way. atomsphere feels the same, the environment's the same and ironically the problems are the same.

only one thing changed; me.

something has left. im missing it.

when night safari today. 17 years of life and it's my first time visiting there. didnt feel so good though. tired, same shit was invoked out. kept my distance. was afraid or rather i've lost confidence.