yea..my blog has music now..deeper by delirious..its 4MB so u gotta wait..

Today's worship was really good..vincent and his fander..it was awesome..wondered when can i reach his level..haha..sermon was alright too.After service had lunch with andrew, eda, sophia and jun hao.Went back to church to settle some logistic stuff with joon yang.Later joined some of them playing board games.Vincent taught me some new stuff too.Had a game of basketball too..played in the rain..haha..was quite cooling.My 3 day staff promotion course starts tomorrow and so, i can't watch movie with my cousins and friends tomorrow..sigh..they were planning to watch the incredibles..sad..
Sometimes i really wish i could go back to the past..but i can't..sigh..

just came back from sonic-edge..it was good..the bands playing, worship..totally awesome.Well..passed by some places..it brought back those memories..sigh..my heart was really crying then..i really missed those times..but..will it go back to the way it was?sigh..i am sorry for the previous posts..wasn't in the right mood..and time to sleep..looking forward for tomorrow's worship as it is gonna be fun i guess..ciaoz..

you dont have to hide him..i know whats goin on..so be it..even i live or die u don't have to care..

today ncc proficinecy test..it was damn bloody fucking terrible..was so damn bloody pissed..stupid part A and ncc officers..esp tht stupid fucking gay officer wondered why he was there..caused so much unnecessary trouble for us..and when school reopens the part As are gonna get it from me..argh..so many things happenened..all because of part As..and we are being dragged down..the officers are bastards..treating us like shit..argh..
returned back to school with guanting,yvonne,weikiat, clarence and weiqiang in the afternoon later to help ms ku with some admin work..hmm..lunch was provided..later went to ug room to play pool till 430..no tuition today..postponed till tml..thts all..bye..

ARGH ARGH ARGH i don't want anyone to know!!!!!!!!!!!DAMN IT..ARGH

hmm..had 5 hours of sleep only yesterday..was doin some work till 2am..woke up at around 7 today..had to reach church early today..today's service we had the children ministry performing a musical..hah..the kids were so cute..didn't have cg today..after service went to had lunch with eda, valerie, guo bin, jia yi and andrew..went back to church later..had a basketball game with david, guo bin, qing yang and jia yi..after the game i helped out in the children's camp which was goin on currently..was asked to join in with them in playing station games..well..it relieved me of my childhood memories..remembering that i was just like them when i was young..running around..in the end my team got second place..hah..came home with eda..bathed..dinner..
have a 3 school day camp tomorrow..not yet even started packing..seriously i regretted goin..i still have so many things undone..my time is running out..sigh..

home alone now..just now had dinner with my mum, aunt, eda, vida and my brother at gardens hotel..after which..we went to eda's house..was messing around with her computer..then went back to church to fetch my elder brother..came home..then my mum and brothers went to the airport to fetch my father home..he went to hainan with my uncle for some business trip..didn't go cause i got somethings to do..nothing more to say..bye..

why..why..all the things i have..i loved..why must they be taken away from me...why..WHY?!

I wanna go deeper but I dunno how to swim,
I wanna be meaker but have you seen this old life,
I wanna fly higher but these arms won't take me there,
I wanna be, I wanna be...

bridge
Maybe I could run, and maybe I could fly to you,
But do you feel the same, when all I see is blame in me?

chorus
And the wonder of it all,
Is that I'm living just to fall,
More in love with you x2

I wanna go deeper but is it just a stupid whim
I wanna be weaker, being help to the strong,
I wanna run faster, but this leg won't carry me,
I wanna be, I wanna be...

interlude
Maybe I could run, Maybe I could follow,
It's time to walk the path where many seem to fall,
Hold me in your arms just like a father would,
HowHow long?...We're going all the way. long do we have to wait?

song:deeper
by:delirious

argh..its killing me inside..

just woke up from a nap..hmm..yesterday fishing trip was kinda disappointing?but overall was kinda fun..yesterday night my brother drove my mum's car..fetched jy, me and my younger brother to church..reached there about 9 plus..everyone started to come and gather..jun hao's father got a bus and drove all of us there..basically only one girl went..and tht was pearl..mushi asked her in helping providing the midnight snacks..about 18 people went for the trip..the place we went was bedok jetty, at east coast..on the way there..hah we had a mini fellowship in the bus..glen was playing the guitar and we were singing many old christian songs..east coast at around 1130..on the way to the jetty..we took the wrong turn..we were supppose to go to left rather then the right..we had to detour back..
started preparing the equipment and we started fishing.at the end we caught crabs..many small fishes(those fishes that u can find in nasi lemak..not the ikan bilis) and jy caught quite a large catfish..we saw other fishers caught fishes that were quite large..
as for the small fishes..as we did not want to keep them and they were only being fished up by us for fun..man..after fishing them..i started kicking them around like a soccer ball and finally kicked them back to the sea..haha..i went mad..jy only caught his catfish after a long wait of 4 hours..haha..and we gave it away cause we did not know how to cook it..as for the crabs..i and my brother had fun with it just now in the morning..we did not want them too..we kinda started playing with them..my brother took a plier and started pulling off their legs..everyone was like..wah lau you sadist sia..haha..and i took the plier and started snipping off the crabs pincers..aha..and they were like "you another one"..and some of the crabs shell was kind of crushed by me..i went mad again..ok enough..we started packing..saw sunrise..and jun hao's dad came at around 815 to fetch us back to church..hadbreakfast oppsite church..and jun liang asked us"want to play basketball later?"i was thinking..u crazy or something?after eating came back home at around 10 plus..bathe..and slept..
sigh..again it bothered me..was feeling kind of down..but had fun..thank God for that..i hope that things could go back the way it was..but..sigh..bye

argh..damn it..why..i keep asking myself why..maybe i am just a substitue..cried again just now..sigh..its just so hard..didn't want to tell her the truth..cause she would get hurt in the end..sigh
having tuition later..and an overnight fishing activity later in the night with my church friends..posting more tomorrow..bye..

sigh..i wish i could have told her..but i do not want history to repeat itself..sigh..

morning sentosa..afternoon in church gaming..night nothing..
i think i am again goin to get another scolding from teachers for things that i did not do at all..oh well..
hmm..another bad day for me?sigh..bye..

morning qt..then guitar..afternoon tuition till 4 plus..nothing much today..
the feelings and pain..argh..who understands?goin to sentosa tomorrow..not to play..got to check out the camp site again..must see what we need for year end youth camp..finalise everything..bye..

hmm..yesteday gathering..reached my uncle's hosue around 7 plus..ate alot..was very full..after eating i can't believe it..i was sitting on the sofa watching tv and i fell asleep shortly afterwards..they even "karaok-ing" and i was still sleeping there..i have gone mad..sigh..reached home around 12..bathe and i fell down to my bed and slept immdiately..woke up at around 1145..spent the afternoon lazying and doin tuition hmwk..havin tuition tomorrow..sigh..nth more..bye..

i got so much to say but lazy to type..so i will just cut the long story short..


Saturday..

morning went to khatib mac to discuss sec 1 cca recruitment with chang meng, kenny, calvin and faizal, wei kiat, guanting, yvonne chia and lim, standley and clarence..after the meeting went to have a hair cut in my aunt's shop..then went home to get my uniform ready for the night's booking in of camp..reached hq at around 750..had a briefing on today's remembrance today..and my gosh..everyone thought i was canberra's asm..was so funny..then there are somethings which happened and i do not wish to say..i cant sleep at all..was sharing same bunk with phs..sec 2 cadets..they are freaking noisy..in the end i had only 3 to 4 hrs of sleep..


Sunday..


woke up at 415 am..got to fall in at around 5..was so tired..sigh..got ready..wash up..breakfast..and we left hq for kranji war memorial blar blar blar sumthing site..reached there at around 7..ceremony ended at 7 plus and we left for someother place for another mini ceremony..remembrance day..its to co-memorade those who had died in spore during WW2..after that went long john in yishun to have lunch with guanting, yvonne lim and clarence..some others joined us later..after eating..went home to change..jun hao n guo bin came to my house..a little while later we went j8..shopped for fionna's present..dunno what to get her..bought a sling bag, slippers, hp pouch and a belt..my cg is going to kill us for spending so much..actually not that much..haha..total was $42.70..each got to pay about 4 bucks..went to church later..vincent taught me power chords today..can start playing an electric guitar now..after that had a basketball game with jana, valerie, glen, xing jie, jia yi, sophia and a new friend zhi ming..was super shagged after the game..came home..bathed again..still got to go to my uncles house later..having sum party again..


hmm..was thinking about it..praying..an answer has yet to come..sigh..thats all..bye..

tiring day today..dun feeling like writing anything..thats all..bye

today is deepavali..woke up at 11 plus today..was forced to wake up..if not i would be sleeping till the afternoon 2 plus..sigh..was doin maths tuition hw..sigh..my holidays never started at all..was even more busy then i expected for the november holidays..tml morning..ltc meeting till around the afternoon then ncc training at 2..got to teach the part Cs tml sigh..dont know if i could do it or not..with their attitude..i think i am going to shout at them..even worser then what i have did to the part As..hopefully it would end at around 6..as after that..youth camp meeting at 7 in church..go to rush to back church..sigh..no breaks at all..argh!!

sigh..have been praying..maybe maybe..i was having a feeling..argh..nvm..bye..

busy day today..morning field trip..afternoon some belay training..after tht training straight ncc..was pissed with the sec 1's..this time i let it all out..i scolded them till like shit..guan ting was kinda shocked..then later got scolding from ms ku..all because of some stupid issue..it aint our fault..argh..after that rushed home and went to church..pastor anton cruz..he's really an excellent pastor from india..i could only use one word to describe him..amazing..he came yesterday and today..both sermons are excellent..the atomsphere was total diff..dun wan to elobrate further..he's truly amazing..

trying to keep myself busy to stop myself from thinking about it..but..i failed..sigh..thts all..bye

it has been my fault..all mine..

thinking back on what * told me and what was goin on and what she said..haha..so freaking contradicting and irony..told * that time would tell..as time has shown me everything...

argh..tried to change skin but there are some things i cant get it right..hai..forget it..change it some other time..

was out the whole day because of cca..reached school at 1 plus..companied the sec 1 cadets to tk sec for their POP..patheic..was basically shouting at them the whole time..kind of pissed me off..argh..and there is the stupid man in charge of the parade..he was an EX officer..not even an officer anymore..shouted at the sec 1 cadets STUPID IDIOTS and blar blar blar..kind shouted back at him u STUPID BASTARD..he never heard it..but i think there is another officer who heard it..but nothing happen to me though..who do he think he is..scolding the sec 1's..he's not even an officer anymore..fool..talk also dunno how to talk..squeaking like a stupid gay..the POP ended at around 6 plus..had dinner with faizal,guanting,yvonne lim and chia,chang meng and kenny at kfc..wai tuck joined us later..we were discussing about the sec 1 cca recruitment next year..i am either in pds or repelling..both of it sucks..haiz..went home after that..at mrt station meet charissa..she was going to bishan..reached home about 9 plus..

the whole day..was still thinking about it..argh..my laughter and smiles were kind of fake..argh..sigh..back to my guitar..bye..

so..i am just being used after all..a subsitute..they r togther again..im juz out of the picture..what can i do?since this is the way its going to be..my tolerance is over..old is gone..new shall emerge..dont blame me..blame it on yourself..i understand it all now..hahaha..

sigh..my heart had another crash today..sigh sigh..hmm..went to tp today..the stupid meeting was postponed in the morning..everyone reached sch at 7 plus but i reached sch at 840..pro huh?the trip to tp was ok i guess..was trying to cheer myself up..i was smiling on the outside but actually crying in my heart..sigh..after tp was the meeting..it was a waste of time..maybe i shouldn't have agree to go to the camp..whole of nov hol gone..kinda regretted it..after the meeting was ncc training..hmm..was training the part A's..wow almost blew my top..kind of venting my anger on them..haha i am so evil..then sumone broke down(names shall not be mentioned)..she was teaching the sec 1 all the drills again and again..but he just couldn't get it right..he knew he was doin it wrongly and yet he still did not try to get it right..kind of lame and stupid..finally she was so frustrated and she broke down..sad sad..she has tried her best teaching the sec 1 patiently and nicely but he just couldn't get it right..
hai..its gone i guess..still grabbing hold..bye..

i wonder how long i can take this further..my heart shattered into even more pieces..i have xpected it but..sigh..forget it..
school today was tiring..caught the flu virus yesterday and was feeling kinda weak the whole day today..its all ms wong fault..dun wanna tok abt it..hahaa..hope she doesnt see this..tml wont be goin to temasek poly..sad sad..wanted to go badly..but got some stupid meeting in school..after that..ncc training at 130..stupid cca..my whole of nov hol gone because of all the activities.. :P well back to my tv..bye..

i lived a life and


dreamed a dream


and loved the life


you lived with me


then in the whisper


of a breath


you left,


and then I died


a death

hmm..decided to blog again..sigh..i am at lost now..sigh..emotions running wild again..broken,shattered,crushed..bye..updating more later..